It is a deeply rooted part of the British psyche to avoid talking of our own mortality, let alone how we would prefer our loved ones to mark our passing.
But is that wise? At a time when our nearest and dearest are experiencing huge emotional turmoil, why would we think they would just know what to do for us? Better, surely, to at least write something down, if having a frank conversation is just too much. Years ago, my mum lodged her wishes with the local funeral director, so that when she passed away last year it was enormously helpful to know which church she wanted her service in, and where to have her ashes interred. I only had to compile a selection of hymns, readings and music for my dad to choose from. Our beloved Deborah planned her funeral service in detail and spoke with everyone involved to make sure everything was right for her. You’ll know of others we have lost who were similarly thorough in planning their own funerals. It’s a comfort and takes away the burden of making tricky decisions at a difficult time.
The flip side is a sudden death, with no indications about funeral arrangements, and whispers of “that’s not what s/he would have wanted!”
So even if you have no intention of departing for a good while yet, make a list. Tell people where it is (mine is on my phone), and make some decisions:
- Church service? And if so, in which church?
- Burial or cremation? Where? If cremation, what should happen to your ashes?
- Coffin – solid wood, wicker, or cardboard?
- Which funeral director?
- Dress code?
- Flowers or charitable donations?
- Music – hymn choices, entry and exit music?
- Readings – scripture/poetry?
- Who would you like to give eulogies?
- And of course, are you an organ donor?
You don’t have to decide everything all at once, but if you just make a start on a few decisions that you find easy to make, you can add other ideas as they come to you.
Carol P
St Margaret's Church Prestwich 